The Report

I have ways felt like something was wrong with me...or I did something to deserve this. By this I mean, debilitating anxiety and deep depression. It's not always that bad, but when it is bad, it's bad bad. Imagine waking every weekday morning in a panic...so bad that you have to miss work for days at a time. But like I said it's not always like that. Mostly, it's avoiding crowds and people in general, lots of time in the bathroom, not being able to make myself move, trying to speak but my mind moving too fast for my mouth to catch up, forgetting everything, no ambition, being exhausted all the time, avoiding phone calls because you feel like you have nothing to offer a conversation, self doubt, the worry... it's a lot to deal with. It's a lot for me to deal with but it's even harder on my wife and mom. They suffer with me. But guess what? I'm not crazy...not in the way everyone thinks. I didnt do some horrible thing and this is my punishment. My brain isn't functioning properly. It's not my fault. Do you understand how freeing hearing that has been?

I had my first brain mapping at the Carlton Neurofeedback Center. I noticed a lot about myself during the 12 minute session, that included a cap and sensors and gel in my hair!) 6 min eyes closed. 6 minutes focusing on an item. So many things went through my mind...this is a long time...what if I'm not reacting right...thing...next thing...next thing...it felt like forever. Focusing on the object was even worse. At first, I wondered why they would have you focus on an item. But I quickly realized why. It's hard to focus on something when you can't focus. 

Dr. Carlton showed me the report. There was a lot of red. A lot. He explained everything that I had concerns about. My memory. My anger. My trouble focusing. My self doubt. He explained it all. He showed me where I was considered High (not good in this case). Cognitively, I'm a mess. The left half of my brain basically is wired wrong. Each of the items I listed as concerns proved to be true. My attention, verbal processing, decision  making, visual processing, motivation, reading comprehension, problem solving, math comprehension, and memory are all cognitive areas of concern. Dr. Carlton explain that I'm working at about 15% of my cognitive efficiency. First thing he told me that this has nothing to do with intelligence. My theory is that my intelligence is why I have been able to achieve what I have academically and professionally. I have a very demanding job that requires many of those very symptoms to do well. School was always easy for me. I only remember having trouble with math. Reading took longer than other kids but I loved to read. I figure I have smarted my way through things thus far in life, but it's getting harder to function. 

I dont know how I do well at my job. It involves lots of complex problem solving, memory, and just lots of technical stuff that no one cares to read about. But think your doing 8-10 different complex tasks at once and helping others and keeping up with emails, with time sensitive deadlines. I just got promoted and now I'm required to know and remember even more complex computer stuff. How can I do so well in school (I received my Masters at 24) and professionally (I work with databases for a government contractor for the past 14 years)? How is my brain wired so funky, but I still excel cognitively...or do I?  How much smarter or confident or not get on my wife's nerves about forgetting to do something will I be? Who will I be?

Other symptoms of concern are excessive self-concern, rumination or never ending thoughts, anger, irritability, worry, hypervigilance, obsessive thinking, dislike of change, and poor emotional self-awareness. Yup. Sounds like what goes on in my head, all the time. Now I have answers. Now I have a solution. 

There are a couple of interesting things I learned...but the one that shocked me the most was that one symptom of concussions is....anxiety. I have had at least 4 concussions. The last one was the one I think messed everything up. I was playing ball in college and hit my head. I blacked out for a few seconds. Then, poof! I cant remember anything long enough to take notes in class. I can only remember things on tests by remembering where the professor was when they said what I needed to remember. I remember by remembering where something by remembering where someone was the last time I knew what I was trying to remember...if that makes sense. I forget everything. Little matters. This place sucks!