Session 11 and 12

Last week I was told Dr. Carlton wanted to see me this week. Originally, I thought he said we would meet after 20 sessions so this gave me some anxiety. 

He asked me to bring my wife. 

More anxiety.

Is it working? Am I too broken? What's going on?

We talked in between sessions. Turns out he was just checking my progress. He wanted to see if my reports matched how I felt. They did. 

I feel better. 

I am able to focus better. I'm able to control my temper better. I'm not as tired. I just feel better. More normal, or whatever that is. 

Over the last 10 years or so that my anxiety has been a problem, I have been told and heard people say some nasty things to and about me. I don't fault them, they didn't know any better. One of the main reasons that people couldn't understand me or thought something was wrong with me or that I was simply crazy was that I couldn't verbalize how I was feeling. If you see someone go through some of the things I put myself through, you might think they are crazy, too. I couldn't tell them that me breaking or not making plans was my anxiety. I couldn't tell them there is literally nothing wrong right now but I'm having extreme anxiety. I couldn't explain that talking to people started to cause me anxiety, so I avoided talking. I couldn't tell them that I have anxiety and they understand what that means. 

To most people anxiety is what you get before a test or job interview. To me anxiety is waking up in at panic at 4 in the morning. To me anxiety means not being able to enjoy a night out with my wife because eating in public makes me ill. To me anxiety is watching each one of my friends slowly slink away because they "couldn't handle" either watching me suffer or just wouldn't be around because they were misinformed on mental health issues. Who wants to be friends with someone who cant even go out or disappears for days at a time? 

I spent a lot of time alone, with my dog. A lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why these things were happening. I figured no one wanted to deal with me, that kept being true (partly because of the people I was allowing the wrong type of people in my energy space, partly because I  kept choosing those people time and time again). If I had been able to explain things, I feel someone would have heard me. That's all I needed was someone to hear me, to hear what I couldn't explain.

Dr. Carlton was able to explain things to my wife that I hadn't been able to. She didn't realize I felt this kind of nervous, jittery, anxious energy ALL THE TIME that sometimes makes me escape. Not just in certain situations, but all of the time. That was big for me because I have never had someone be able to explain how I felt on the inside to me or anyone else. I felt heard.

That's the thing with Dr. Carlton, I don't sit down and talk to him each visit but he makes you feel like you just spoke last week. He's able to explain what I couldn't because he has and still goes through the same feelings. 

I'm right on track. The plan is working. My anxiety is becoming less and less. 

Session 9 and 10

When I met with Dr. Carlton after my brain map he told me the plan...40 sessions...2 a week...he also said by session 10 I would start seeing results.

So, here we are at session 10. I have gotten up early on a Saturday (if you know me, you know how amazing that is by itself), driven 45 minutes, spent from 930 to 1200 every Saturday, for the last 7 weeks at this place. I first decided to do this because my wife asked me to, but now, I truly feel like I'm doing this for me.

The big question...how do those in my life feel about my progress over the last 5 weeks?

I asked the 2 most important people to me...my momma and my wife...

My momma said:

 

I am very proud of you for doing the Neurofeedback treatments. I have noticed slight changes such as more confidence, slowing down with speech, more respect for self. I hear statements such as "I can do it, I know I can". I also sense more respect for self by taking baby steps to achieve your goals, more goals for self to strengthen marriage, setting future goals to buy a house, two years another car. Continue the work and make more positive changes.








My wife said:


As the wife of an individual who suffers from serve anxiety and depression you get use to sitting on the sidelines. You get use to your partner sleeping all the time, and frankly just not present. 

In dire need of a ends to this means I tried everything to get her to function like a normal individual or what I thought was normal.... I had been searching for my wife in the midst of the depressed person.

I felt I was on my own by myself. 

No dates no nothing...just anxiety. 

She’s been going to the treatments for a few months now and I’m starting to see the woman I knew was underneath all of that blind pain.

She’s awoke more... she talks to me more.... she is 40% more present... she problem solves for us now, she smiles and laughs more...:..  we still have a way to go but I’m excited for the future.... I’m hoping to go on dates, surprised picnics, romantic getaways, and sight seeing... I’m grateful for this treatment and hopeful it will give me the marriage we both deserve... 

The 2 most important people in my life see the progress I have made. Others see it too. That means so much to me. For so long, the version of me that people have met was one of a broken person. I would constantly be told how broken I am and how I would be such an amazing person once I...reached some goal they had defined as my great change. To many it was once your 30 you will be so amazing or I overcome my anxiety or whatever. On one hand, I understand what they were trying to say. The me without anxiety, and all the "awesome" things that comes with it will be such a different person than the me with anxiety.

On the other hand, no one was willing to do what my wife has done for me....fight for me (including fighting me fighting myself...if that makes sense). She has been such a huge part of my successes. She fought to get me re-evaluated and my medicine adjusted. She was there through a very terrible time in my life. Anxiety had taken over. There were so many changes and hurtful things that happened all at once. If you have anxiety you know that any situation change can cause major anxiety. I always go above and beyond and had like 3 major changes going on at once. It was too much and my wife met me at the beginning of my fall.

Those people were right but not because I would be amazing when I became a certain type of person. They were right because the me without anxiety is turning out to be a much better of the person I already am. I can't change the things I have gone through or how my brain has been wired and damaged. Who knew my brain was damaged, in the first place?

Before starting the treatments I was very skeptical that Neurofeedback Therapy would change my life, I would have laughed at you. I have tried everything. Medicine, talk therapy, spiritual cleansing, religion, and sucking it up and acting like everything was fine. Nothing worked.

I have always been naturally talented and intelligent enough to get me through life with little effort on my part. I have achieved a lot and never tried, seriously. I would sleep through classes, not have to study, able to stick with girls on the basketball court that had the opportunity to got camps, able to learn to work with databases after spending 6 years studying Sociology and such. Now, I'm finding out that my brain hasn't even been working properly during all of this. 

What type of person will I be after the 40 sessions?

I already feel more clear headed, able to function better cognitively (work is becoming easier), my anger is under control, my relationship with my wife is so much better, same with my mom. Neurofeedback therapy is really interesting. How it works and what it does. It literally rewires your brain. That's wild to me. ...and all I have to do is watch TV.

Hi, my name is Rikki and I have Anxiety

Update... I just had my first 2 sessions and I'm already getting back into something I'm passionate about....WRITING!!!

Looking back on my life, anxiety was always there. The most constant thing in my life. I had no clue what IT was though. For me, seemingly at random times I would throw up or feeling sick eating in public...these were normal events. I didnt know it was anxiety. I didnt know there was something wrong with the way I felt sometimes or the thoughts that circled in my mind. It just was.

Mental health has always been apart of my life. My mom and dad both suffered from some kind of mental illness. My mom even worked at, what I assume was a suicide hotline, and would take me with her. She ended up getting a better job with the mental health organization. My mom also worked and we became friends with a lady with a lot of personalities, not a lot of personality but literally a bunch of personalities. The lady ran a group home for people with various mental illness. I saw people who cut deep scars into their arms. A guy who was drugged at a party and was never the same. And of course there was the lady herself...my favorite personality of hers was a little girl a few years younger than I was at the time. We use to play. Like I said, normal. 

I didn't do the things they did. So that wasnt me. Growing up was tough. I know, I know...it was tough for everyone...but this is my story and growing up was TOUGH. My mom tried to hold it all together but Illnesses became too much and we moved from the only place I could remember living. We moved to the small town my mom grew up close to to live with my grandma. Things werent tough anymore but this was when the symptoms really started. I thought nothing of it really, I wasnt like them. I would just get sick randomly sometimes. Moving brought it's own challenges. I was always shy and had never been the new kid. These kids have been going to school together since birth! I was so different from them. The one thing a few of us girls shared was sports. Basketball was always my way to belong in a world I didnt quite fit into. Oddly, I never got nervous or anxious before a big game or standing alone on the free throw line. However, I couldnt eat a burger at a restaurant. 

I survived that. Next, college. Away from my mom...That thought scared the hell out of me, I had to do it, for both of us. My mom and I were very close, we had survived a lot together. As a result, I had been having what I now know were panic attacks. College started with a huge panic attack that resulted in my mom having to stay a few extra days. I played ball and went to class. Nothing else major happened during college. Then it was time to go to graduate school. Another panic attack when my mom left. Then I was mostly anxiety free followed for 6 years. 

Adulthood... I had my first break around 30. It was bad. Not bad bad but BAD BAD. I was hospitalized twice. I was put on a bunch of medicine. I was like a zombie. I was still having panic attacks around 430 every morning. I had a therapist. I had a psychiatrist. I had a doctor. No one could help me. They would say I wasn't trying. Sadly, I was. Deep breathing has become my best friend. I have journals everywhere. Self help books. Funny thing, you'll see why in a minute, I even went a couple times to a spiritual healer for help. Nothing was helping. I made some super poor decisions, I trusted some people I shouldn't have,  I did things I normally wouldn't do. I mean I didnt kill anyone but I wasn't me. 

10 years of struggling and living on autopilot. Here I am, almost 40 and I struggle everyday with the same things I did 10 years ago. I've learned to live with them. I have trouble some days...and have a great job that was very understanding. 

What changed? My wife. 

She changed everything. I had one hospitalization early in our relationship. I had just gone through a lot of changes and was very overwhelmed. She didn't leave my side. She fought for someone to finally listen to me. She got me the help I needed. Now, almost 4 years into being together and almost a year of marriage, something has to change. The panic attacks are ruining my life. My wife, who is a spiritual healer..shameless plug alert...www.queenni.com...not the same one I went to before...has given me cleansing baths and custom crystal jewelry to wear. She has held me and let me ramble for hours about everything and nothing all at once. Shes the one that found the Carlton Neurofeedback Center. 

Dr. Carlton practices Neurofeedback training based on cognitive behavioral therapy. He explained that, just by answering a few questions, the wiring of my brain is off. He explained how the main side effect of concussion syndrome is anxiety. He explained genetic neuro wiring. He explained everything I had ever wondered about myself over the last 10 years. I didnt do something to deserve this as punishment. I'm not broken, like many have thought. For many reasons the front of my brain is on super drive and the back of my brain is on a slow Sunday stroll. I dont know what this all means yet...but I do know that it means with some rewiring and some other work on my side I can see positive changes...for once. I decided to share my Neurofeedback journey because...we all need some hope. My next appointment is the mapping of my brain, BUT they said they have to mess up hair!

Here's to this working...