Hi, my name is Rikki and I have Anxiety

Update... I just had my first 2 sessions and I'm already getting back into something I'm passionate about....WRITING!!!

Looking back on my life, anxiety was always there. The most constant thing in my life. I had no clue what IT was though. For me, seemingly at random times I would throw up or feeling sick eating in public...these were normal events. I didnt know it was anxiety. I didnt know there was something wrong with the way I felt sometimes or the thoughts that circled in my mind. It just was.

Mental health has always been apart of my life. My mom and dad both suffered from some kind of mental illness. My mom even worked at, what I assume was a suicide hotline, and would take me with her. She ended up getting a better job with the mental health organization. My mom also worked and we became friends with a lady with a lot of personalities, not a lot of personality but literally a bunch of personalities. The lady ran a group home for people with various mental illness. I saw people who cut deep scars into their arms. A guy who was drugged at a party and was never the same. And of course there was the lady herself...my favorite personality of hers was a little girl a few years younger than I was at the time. We use to play. Like I said, normal. 

I didn't do the things they did. So that wasnt me. Growing up was tough. I know, I know...it was tough for everyone...but this is my story and growing up was TOUGH. My mom tried to hold it all together but Illnesses became too much and we moved from the only place I could remember living. We moved to the small town my mom grew up close to to live with my grandma. Things werent tough anymore but this was when the symptoms really started. I thought nothing of it really, I wasnt like them. I would just get sick randomly sometimes. Moving brought it's own challenges. I was always shy and had never been the new kid. These kids have been going to school together since birth! I was so different from them. The one thing a few of us girls shared was sports. Basketball was always my way to belong in a world I didnt quite fit into. Oddly, I never got nervous or anxious before a big game or standing alone on the free throw line. However, I couldnt eat a burger at a restaurant. 

I survived that. Next, college. Away from my mom...That thought scared the hell out of me, I had to do it, for both of us. My mom and I were very close, we had survived a lot together. As a result, I had been having what I now know were panic attacks. College started with a huge panic attack that resulted in my mom having to stay a few extra days. I played ball and went to class. Nothing else major happened during college. Then it was time to go to graduate school. Another panic attack when my mom left. Then I was mostly anxiety free followed for 6 years. 

Adulthood... I had my first break around 30. It was bad. Not bad bad but BAD BAD. I was hospitalized twice. I was put on a bunch of medicine. I was like a zombie. I was still having panic attacks around 430 every morning. I had a therapist. I had a psychiatrist. I had a doctor. No one could help me. They would say I wasn't trying. Sadly, I was. Deep breathing has become my best friend. I have journals everywhere. Self help books. Funny thing, you'll see why in a minute, I even went a couple times to a spiritual healer for help. Nothing was helping. I made some super poor decisions, I trusted some people I shouldn't have,  I did things I normally wouldn't do. I mean I didnt kill anyone but I wasn't me. 

10 years of struggling and living on autopilot. Here I am, almost 40 and I struggle everyday with the same things I did 10 years ago. I've learned to live with them. I have trouble some days...and have a great job that was very understanding. 

What changed? My wife. 

She changed everything. I had one hospitalization early in our relationship. I had just gone through a lot of changes and was very overwhelmed. She didn't leave my side. She fought for someone to finally listen to me. She got me the help I needed. Now, almost 4 years into being together and almost a year of marriage, something has to change. The panic attacks are ruining my life. My wife, who is a spiritual healer..shameless plug alert...www.queenni.com...not the same one I went to before...has given me cleansing baths and custom crystal jewelry to wear. She has held me and let me ramble for hours about everything and nothing all at once. Shes the one that found the Carlton Neurofeedback Center. 

Dr. Carlton practices Neurofeedback training based on cognitive behavioral therapy. He explained that, just by answering a few questions, the wiring of my brain is off. He explained how the main side effect of concussion syndrome is anxiety. He explained genetic neuro wiring. He explained everything I had ever wondered about myself over the last 10 years. I didnt do something to deserve this as punishment. I'm not broken, like many have thought. For many reasons the front of my brain is on super drive and the back of my brain is on a slow Sunday stroll. I dont know what this all means yet...but I do know that it means with some rewiring and some other work on my side I can see positive changes...for once. I decided to share my Neurofeedback journey because...we all need some hope. My next appointment is the mapping of my brain, BUT they said they have to mess up hair!

Here's to this working...