Brain maps and long lines

I decided not to write about every session, well, because they are all the same. The same dimming and normalization. You get the point.

Well...now I have something new to write about. I had another brain map at sessions 20. The worst part of the brain map is all the gel they have to put on the sensors. I have locs so...yeah

it was a mess. Just like the first brain map, I had to stare at a box of tissues for 6 long minutes, then sit with my eyes closed for 6 minutes. It was easier to focus on the box and my mind was more calm. I was told...some people cant even sit there for 6 minutes. So, I think I'm doing pretty good.

After the brain map I met with Dr. Carlton again to go over the mapping. So, yellow and red are bad. The first mapping had a lot of the bad. Green, light blue and dark blue are good. The second map had a lot more greens and blues. Basically, what Dr. Carlton planned to happen is happening. He's slowing down my brain. He's rewiring the bad circuits. 

He explained that I should doing better all the way around. And I am. I really am. I have had some anxiety but not too much lately. Work has been easier. I spend my days doing complex problem-solving, that is never the same time sensitive data. My wife, let's just say she has had less of a headache lately.

He said a bunch of stuff I honestly don't remember, but I do remember smiling a lot...under my mask, of course.

The next visit they put the sensors on the back of my head, which is the area we are targeting next. Nothing else new. 

I have made a Sociological observation...

I get to Dr. Carlton's office around 930 every Saturday morning. There has always been a long line of cars blocking the entrance. Kind of annoying...until I realized what the line was. 

It is a food bank line for the church at the end of the street. Every week the line gets longer and the people look more and more "middle class". I wont get political, but we gotta do and expect better, people.

Session 11 and 12

Last week I was told Dr. Carlton wanted to see me this week. Originally, I thought he said we would meet after 20 sessions so this gave me some anxiety. 

He asked me to bring my wife. 

More anxiety.

Is it working? Am I too broken? What's going on?

We talked in between sessions. Turns out he was just checking my progress. He wanted to see if my reports matched how I felt. They did. 

I feel better. 

I am able to focus better. I'm able to control my temper better. I'm not as tired. I just feel better. More normal, or whatever that is. 

Over the last 10 years or so that my anxiety has been a problem, I have been told and heard people say some nasty things to and about me. I don't fault them, they didn't know any better. One of the main reasons that people couldn't understand me or thought something was wrong with me or that I was simply crazy was that I couldn't verbalize how I was feeling. If you see someone go through some of the things I put myself through, you might think they are crazy, too. I couldn't tell them that me breaking or not making plans was my anxiety. I couldn't tell them there is literally nothing wrong right now but I'm having extreme anxiety. I couldn't explain that talking to people started to cause me anxiety, so I avoided talking. I couldn't tell them that I have anxiety and they understand what that means. 

To most people anxiety is what you get before a test or job interview. To me anxiety is waking up in at panic at 4 in the morning. To me anxiety means not being able to enjoy a night out with my wife because eating in public makes me ill. To me anxiety is watching each one of my friends slowly slink away because they "couldn't handle" either watching me suffer or just wouldn't be around because they were misinformed on mental health issues. Who wants to be friends with someone who cant even go out or disappears for days at a time? 

I spent a lot of time alone, with my dog. A lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why these things were happening. I figured no one wanted to deal with me, that kept being true (partly because of the people I was allowing the wrong type of people in my energy space, partly because I  kept choosing those people time and time again). If I had been able to explain things, I feel someone would have heard me. That's all I needed was someone to hear me, to hear what I couldn't explain.

Dr. Carlton was able to explain things to my wife that I hadn't been able to. She didn't realize I felt this kind of nervous, jittery, anxious energy ALL THE TIME that sometimes makes me escape. Not just in certain situations, but all of the time. That was big for me because I have never had someone be able to explain how I felt on the inside to me or anyone else. I felt heard.

That's the thing with Dr. Carlton, I don't sit down and talk to him each visit but he makes you feel like you just spoke last week. He's able to explain what I couldn't because he has and still goes through the same feelings. 

I'm right on track. The plan is working. My anxiety is becoming less and less. 

Session 7 and 8

Session 7 and 8 were much the same. Dimming a decreasing volume, but it didn't bother me as much as previous visits. I was able to focus on the show (Moesha again). I have noticed the ability to focus a little more. 

The biggest change so far is my temper. I'm able to control my anger more and more. I'm not snapping at people as much. I'm able to take 10 seconds, as Lucinda suggests in From Panic to Power, to calm myself. Its weird for me because I have never been an angry person. I have always had a bad temper but I tried very hard not to let it take over. Lately, the wasn't the case. I haven't always been nice or remained calm during situations. My wife noticed the beginning of a change in my behavior, though she may never admit she acknowledged this particular change. 

I feel more calm and have been making more of an effort to calm my mind and my spirit. I refuse to let certain situations and people take me out of my normal calm, easy going character. Watching motivational videos and reading different perspectives on this thing called life is really being absorbed this time around. 

I took a short video of what happens on the screen during my sessions. The effect isn't as dramatic but you get the point. I asked the nurse lady that hooks me up to the wires what the objective was? Is the screen suppose to remain clearer for longer? She didn't know lol.... 6 more Saturdays and I talk to Dr. Carlton again...I can ask then. 

Sessions 5 and 6

Sessions 5 and 6 were much like 3 and 4. The tv dimmed a lot, for seemingly long periods...think seconds. I think the combo of the training and the motivational videos is helping. I have a more positive outlook on life. I dont dread or constantly obsess about work. I have been more introspective and have been having, what Oprah calls "Ah Ha" moments.

With a clearer head my thoughts aren't so negative. I'm beginning to be able to make decisions. I refuse to let things stress me to the point that I get sick. I'm even handling the stress from work better. It's like I'm developing an attitude of guarding my bliss. 

Bliss is one topic covered in Finding Joe. It's basically your happy place filled with positivity.

Finding Joe

The tv still dimmed a lot. I watched more of Finding Joe during session 5. For session 6, however, they didnt have that movie in the room I was in so I picked something from Netflix. I picked Moesha lol. I forgot how funny that show was. I laughed the whole episode. I noticed the tv and sound did their thing but I wasn't as focused on them.

I finally had the motivation to do some research on what I'm doing to myself...

Some of the interesting things I have learned are...

"Neurofeedback is based on the premise that patients, guided by providers, can retrain their brains to operate more effectively by changing the pattern of the brain’s electrical activity, otherwise known as brain waves. It is brain waves that determine our state of consciousness, arousal and ability to control our bodies and our minds. If they are being produced at an optimum level, then our ability to think, feel and function well is assured. But if these waves are too fast, too slow or not produced appropriately in particular sections of the brain, neurofeedback can be used to retrain the brain to address these issues."

"Neurofeedback uses electroencephalogram (EEG) to measure and optimise your brain activity"

"During the session, you will watch a movie on a computer monitor or engage in a computer game. Every time the selected brain regions exhibit EEG anomalies, the movie/game will stop." In this case I'm watching videos that dim and the volume lowers instead of stopping.

"However, the brain very quickly and gradually will learn to change its electrical activity in order to reduce the interruptions in movie/game reproduction and obtain a smoother perceptual experience.
In other words, session after session, by learning how to make the movie/game play more and more smoothly, your brain can learn to recruit new resources, eventually cancelling specific functional anomalies and ultimately reducing the associated behavioural disturbances."

So, yeah...now I understand. I have to understand something or I cant stop focusing on it. Maybe now I can just let my brain fix itself with out me trying to control something I can't mentally control.