Session 11 and 12

Last week I was told Dr. Carlton wanted to see me this week. Originally, I thought he said we would meet after 20 sessions so this gave me some anxiety. 

He asked me to bring my wife. 

More anxiety.

Is it working? Am I too broken? What's going on?

We talked in between sessions. Turns out he was just checking my progress. He wanted to see if my reports matched how I felt. They did. 

I feel better. 

I am able to focus better. I'm able to control my temper better. I'm not as tired. I just feel better. More normal, or whatever that is. 

Over the last 10 years or so that my anxiety has been a problem, I have been told and heard people say some nasty things to and about me. I don't fault them, they didn't know any better. One of the main reasons that people couldn't understand me or thought something was wrong with me or that I was simply crazy was that I couldn't verbalize how I was feeling. If you see someone go through some of the things I put myself through, you might think they are crazy, too. I couldn't tell them that me breaking or not making plans was my anxiety. I couldn't tell them there is literally nothing wrong right now but I'm having extreme anxiety. I couldn't explain that talking to people started to cause me anxiety, so I avoided talking. I couldn't tell them that I have anxiety and they understand what that means. 

To most people anxiety is what you get before a test or job interview. To me anxiety is waking up in at panic at 4 in the morning. To me anxiety means not being able to enjoy a night out with my wife because eating in public makes me ill. To me anxiety is watching each one of my friends slowly slink away because they "couldn't handle" either watching me suffer or just wouldn't be around because they were misinformed on mental health issues. Who wants to be friends with someone who cant even go out or disappears for days at a time? 

I spent a lot of time alone, with my dog. A lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why these things were happening. I figured no one wanted to deal with me, that kept being true (partly because of the people I was allowing the wrong type of people in my energy space, partly because I  kept choosing those people time and time again). If I had been able to explain things, I feel someone would have heard me. That's all I needed was someone to hear me, to hear what I couldn't explain.

Dr. Carlton was able to explain things to my wife that I hadn't been able to. She didn't realize I felt this kind of nervous, jittery, anxious energy ALL THE TIME that sometimes makes me escape. Not just in certain situations, but all of the time. That was big for me because I have never had someone be able to explain how I felt on the inside to me or anyone else. I felt heard.

That's the thing with Dr. Carlton, I don't sit down and talk to him each visit but he makes you feel like you just spoke last week. He's able to explain what I couldn't because he has and still goes through the same feelings. 

I'm right on track. The plan is working. My anxiety is becoming less and less.