The Report

I have ways felt like something was wrong with me...or I did something to deserve this. By this I mean, debilitating anxiety and deep depression. It's not always that bad, but when it is bad, it's bad bad. Imagine waking every weekday morning in a panic...so bad that you have to miss work for days at a time. But like I said it's not always like that. Mostly, it's avoiding crowds and people in general, lots of time in the bathroom, not being able to make myself move, trying to speak but my mind moving too fast for my mouth to catch up, forgetting everything, no ambition, being exhausted all the time, avoiding phone calls because you feel like you have nothing to offer a conversation, self doubt, the worry... it's a lot to deal with. It's a lot for me to deal with but it's even harder on my wife and mom. They suffer with me. But guess what? I'm not crazy...not in the way everyone thinks. I didnt do some horrible thing and this is my punishment. My brain isn't functioning properly. It's not my fault. Do you understand how freeing hearing that has been?

I had my first brain mapping at the Carlton Neurofeedback Center. I noticed a lot about myself during the 12 minute session, that included a cap and sensors and gel in my hair!) 6 min eyes closed. 6 minutes focusing on an item. So many things went through my mind...this is a long time...what if I'm not reacting right...thing...next thing...next thing...it felt like forever. Focusing on the object was even worse. At first, I wondered why they would have you focus on an item. But I quickly realized why. It's hard to focus on something when you can't focus. 

Dr. Carlton showed me the report. There was a lot of red. A lot. He explained everything that I had concerns about. My memory. My anger. My trouble focusing. My self doubt. He explained it all. He showed me where I was considered High (not good in this case). Cognitively, I'm a mess. The left half of my brain basically is wired wrong. Each of the items I listed as concerns proved to be true. My attention, verbal processing, decision  making, visual processing, motivation, reading comprehension, problem solving, math comprehension, and memory are all cognitive areas of concern. Dr. Carlton explain that I'm working at about 15% of my cognitive efficiency. First thing he told me that this has nothing to do with intelligence. My theory is that my intelligence is why I have been able to achieve what I have academically and professionally. I have a very demanding job that requires many of those very symptoms to do well. School was always easy for me. I only remember having trouble with math. Reading took longer than other kids but I loved to read. I figure I have smarted my way through things thus far in life, but it's getting harder to function. 

I dont know how I do well at my job. It involves lots of complex problem solving, memory, and just lots of technical stuff that no one cares to read about. But think your doing 8-10 different complex tasks at once and helping others and keeping up with emails, with time sensitive deadlines. I just got promoted and now I'm required to know and remember even more complex computer stuff. How can I do so well in school (I received my Masters at 24) and professionally (I work with databases for a government contractor for the past 14 years)? How is my brain wired so funky, but I still excel cognitively...or do I?  How much smarter or confident or not get on my wife's nerves about forgetting to do something will I be? Who will I be?

Other symptoms of concern are excessive self-concern, rumination or never ending thoughts, anger, irritability, worry, hypervigilance, obsessive thinking, dislike of change, and poor emotional self-awareness. Yup. Sounds like what goes on in my head, all the time. Now I have answers. Now I have a solution. 

There are a couple of interesting things I learned...but the one that shocked me the most was that one symptom of concussions is....anxiety. I have had at least 4 concussions. The last one was the one I think messed everything up. I was playing ball in college and hit my head. I blacked out for a few seconds. Then, poof! I cant remember anything long enough to take notes in class. I can only remember things on tests by remembering where the professor was when they said what I needed to remember. I remember by remembering where something by remembering where someone was the last time I knew what I was trying to remember...if that makes sense. I forget everything. Little matters. This place sucks!

Hi, my name is Rikki and I have Anxiety

Update... I just had my first 2 sessions and I'm already getting back into something I'm passionate about....WRITING!!!

Looking back on my life, anxiety was always there. The most constant thing in my life. I had no clue what IT was though. For me, seemingly at random times I would throw up or feeling sick eating in public...these were normal events. I didnt know it was anxiety. I didnt know there was something wrong with the way I felt sometimes or the thoughts that circled in my mind. It just was.

Mental health has always been apart of my life. My mom and dad both suffered from some kind of mental illness. My mom even worked at, what I assume was a suicide hotline, and would take me with her. She ended up getting a better job with the mental health organization. My mom also worked and we became friends with a lady with a lot of personalities, not a lot of personality but literally a bunch of personalities. The lady ran a group home for people with various mental illness. I saw people who cut deep scars into their arms. A guy who was drugged at a party and was never the same. And of course there was the lady herself...my favorite personality of hers was a little girl a few years younger than I was at the time. We use to play. Like I said, normal. 

I didn't do the things they did. So that wasnt me. Growing up was tough. I know, I know...it was tough for everyone...but this is my story and growing up was TOUGH. My mom tried to hold it all together but Illnesses became too much and we moved from the only place I could remember living. We moved to the small town my mom grew up close to to live with my grandma. Things werent tough anymore but this was when the symptoms really started. I thought nothing of it really, I wasnt like them. I would just get sick randomly sometimes. Moving brought it's own challenges. I was always shy and had never been the new kid. These kids have been going to school together since birth! I was so different from them. The one thing a few of us girls shared was sports. Basketball was always my way to belong in a world I didnt quite fit into. Oddly, I never got nervous or anxious before a big game or standing alone on the free throw line. However, I couldnt eat a burger at a restaurant. 

I survived that. Next, college. Away from my mom...That thought scared the hell out of me, I had to do it, for both of us. My mom and I were very close, we had survived a lot together. As a result, I had been having what I now know were panic attacks. College started with a huge panic attack that resulted in my mom having to stay a few extra days. I played ball and went to class. Nothing else major happened during college. Then it was time to go to graduate school. Another panic attack when my mom left. Then I was mostly anxiety free followed for 6 years. 

Adulthood... I had my first break around 30. It was bad. Not bad bad but BAD BAD. I was hospitalized twice. I was put on a bunch of medicine. I was like a zombie. I was still having panic attacks around 430 every morning. I had a therapist. I had a psychiatrist. I had a doctor. No one could help me. They would say I wasn't trying. Sadly, I was. Deep breathing has become my best friend. I have journals everywhere. Self help books. Funny thing, you'll see why in a minute, I even went a couple times to a spiritual healer for help. Nothing was helping. I made some super poor decisions, I trusted some people I shouldn't have,  I did things I normally wouldn't do. I mean I didnt kill anyone but I wasn't me. 

10 years of struggling and living on autopilot. Here I am, almost 40 and I struggle everyday with the same things I did 10 years ago. I've learned to live with them. I have trouble some days...and have a great job that was very understanding. 

What changed? My wife. 

She changed everything. I had one hospitalization early in our relationship. I had just gone through a lot of changes and was very overwhelmed. She didn't leave my side. She fought for someone to finally listen to me. She got me the help I needed. Now, almost 4 years into being together and almost a year of marriage, something has to change. The panic attacks are ruining my life. My wife, who is a spiritual healer..shameless plug alert...www.queenni.com...not the same one I went to before...has given me cleansing baths and custom crystal jewelry to wear. She has held me and let me ramble for hours about everything and nothing all at once. Shes the one that found the Carlton Neurofeedback Center. 

Dr. Carlton practices Neurofeedback training based on cognitive behavioral therapy. He explained that, just by answering a few questions, the wiring of my brain is off. He explained how the main side effect of concussion syndrome is anxiety. He explained genetic neuro wiring. He explained everything I had ever wondered about myself over the last 10 years. I didnt do something to deserve this as punishment. I'm not broken, like many have thought. For many reasons the front of my brain is on super drive and the back of my brain is on a slow Sunday stroll. I dont know what this all means yet...but I do know that it means with some rewiring and some other work on my side I can see positive changes...for once. I decided to share my Neurofeedback journey because...we all need some hope. My next appointment is the mapping of my brain, BUT they said they have to mess up hair!

Here's to this working...