Brain maps and long lines

I decided not to write about every session, well, because they are all the same. The same dimming and normalization. You get the point.

Well...now I have something new to write about. I had another brain map at sessions 20. The worst part of the brain map is all the gel they have to put on the sensors. I have locs so...yeah

it was a mess. Just like the first brain map, I had to stare at a box of tissues for 6 long minutes, then sit with my eyes closed for 6 minutes. It was easier to focus on the box and my mind was more calm. I was told...some people cant even sit there for 6 minutes. So, I think I'm doing pretty good.

After the brain map I met with Dr. Carlton again to go over the mapping. So, yellow and red are bad. The first mapping had a lot of the bad. Green, light blue and dark blue are good. The second map had a lot more greens and blues. Basically, what Dr. Carlton planned to happen is happening. He's slowing down my brain. He's rewiring the bad circuits. 

He explained that I should doing better all the way around. And I am. I really am. I have had some anxiety but not too much lately. Work has been easier. I spend my days doing complex problem-solving, that is never the same time sensitive data. My wife, let's just say she has had less of a headache lately.

He said a bunch of stuff I honestly don't remember, but I do remember smiling a lot...under my mask, of course.

The next visit they put the sensors on the back of my head, which is the area we are targeting next. Nothing else new. 

I have made a Sociological observation...

I get to Dr. Carlton's office around 930 every Saturday morning. There has always been a long line of cars blocking the entrance. Kind of annoying...until I realized what the line was. 

It is a food bank line for the church at the end of the street. Every week the line gets longer and the people look more and more "middle class". I wont get political, but we gotta do and expect better, people.

Session 11 and 12

Last week I was told Dr. Carlton wanted to see me this week. Originally, I thought he said we would meet after 20 sessions so this gave me some anxiety. 

He asked me to bring my wife. 

More anxiety.

Is it working? Am I too broken? What's going on?

We talked in between sessions. Turns out he was just checking my progress. He wanted to see if my reports matched how I felt. They did. 

I feel better. 

I am able to focus better. I'm able to control my temper better. I'm not as tired. I just feel better. More normal, or whatever that is. 

Over the last 10 years or so that my anxiety has been a problem, I have been told and heard people say some nasty things to and about me. I don't fault them, they didn't know any better. One of the main reasons that people couldn't understand me or thought something was wrong with me or that I was simply crazy was that I couldn't verbalize how I was feeling. If you see someone go through some of the things I put myself through, you might think they are crazy, too. I couldn't tell them that me breaking or not making plans was my anxiety. I couldn't tell them there is literally nothing wrong right now but I'm having extreme anxiety. I couldn't explain that talking to people started to cause me anxiety, so I avoided talking. I couldn't tell them that I have anxiety and they understand what that means. 

To most people anxiety is what you get before a test or job interview. To me anxiety is waking up in at panic at 4 in the morning. To me anxiety means not being able to enjoy a night out with my wife because eating in public makes me ill. To me anxiety is watching each one of my friends slowly slink away because they "couldn't handle" either watching me suffer or just wouldn't be around because they were misinformed on mental health issues. Who wants to be friends with someone who cant even go out or disappears for days at a time? 

I spent a lot of time alone, with my dog. A lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why these things were happening. I figured no one wanted to deal with me, that kept being true (partly because of the people I was allowing the wrong type of people in my energy space, partly because I  kept choosing those people time and time again). If I had been able to explain things, I feel someone would have heard me. That's all I needed was someone to hear me, to hear what I couldn't explain.

Dr. Carlton was able to explain things to my wife that I hadn't been able to. She didn't realize I felt this kind of nervous, jittery, anxious energy ALL THE TIME that sometimes makes me escape. Not just in certain situations, but all of the time. That was big for me because I have never had someone be able to explain how I felt on the inside to me or anyone else. I felt heard.

That's the thing with Dr. Carlton, I don't sit down and talk to him each visit but he makes you feel like you just spoke last week. He's able to explain what I couldn't because he has and still goes through the same feelings. 

I'm right on track. The plan is working. My anxiety is becoming less and less. 

Session 9 and 10

When I met with Dr. Carlton after my brain map he told me the plan...40 sessions...2 a week...he also said by session 10 I would start seeing results.

So, here we are at session 10. I have gotten up early on a Saturday (if you know me, you know how amazing that is by itself), driven 45 minutes, spent from 930 to 1200 every Saturday, for the last 7 weeks at this place. I first decided to do this because my wife asked me to, but now, I truly feel like I'm doing this for me.

The big question...how do those in my life feel about my progress over the last 5 weeks?

I asked the 2 most important people to me...my momma and my wife...

My momma said:

 

I am very proud of you for doing the Neurofeedback treatments. I have noticed slight changes such as more confidence, slowing down with speech, more respect for self. I hear statements such as "I can do it, I know I can". I also sense more respect for self by taking baby steps to achieve your goals, more goals for self to strengthen marriage, setting future goals to buy a house, two years another car. Continue the work and make more positive changes.








My wife said:


As the wife of an individual who suffers from serve anxiety and depression you get use to sitting on the sidelines. You get use to your partner sleeping all the time, and frankly just not present. 

In dire need of a ends to this means I tried everything to get her to function like a normal individual or what I thought was normal.... I had been searching for my wife in the midst of the depressed person.

I felt I was on my own by myself. 

No dates no nothing...just anxiety. 

She’s been going to the treatments for a few months now and I’m starting to see the woman I knew was underneath all of that blind pain.

She’s awoke more... she talks to me more.... she is 40% more present... she problem solves for us now, she smiles and laughs more...:..  we still have a way to go but I’m excited for the future.... I’m hoping to go on dates, surprised picnics, romantic getaways, and sight seeing... I’m grateful for this treatment and hopeful it will give me the marriage we both deserve... 

The 2 most important people in my life see the progress I have made. Others see it too. That means so much to me. For so long, the version of me that people have met was one of a broken person. I would constantly be told how broken I am and how I would be such an amazing person once I...reached some goal they had defined as my great change. To many it was once your 30 you will be so amazing or I overcome my anxiety or whatever. On one hand, I understand what they were trying to say. The me without anxiety, and all the "awesome" things that comes with it will be such a different person than the me with anxiety.

On the other hand, no one was willing to do what my wife has done for me....fight for me (including fighting me fighting myself...if that makes sense). She has been such a huge part of my successes. She fought to get me re-evaluated and my medicine adjusted. She was there through a very terrible time in my life. Anxiety had taken over. There were so many changes and hurtful things that happened all at once. If you have anxiety you know that any situation change can cause major anxiety. I always go above and beyond and had like 3 major changes going on at once. It was too much and my wife met me at the beginning of my fall.

Those people were right but not because I would be amazing when I became a certain type of person. They were right because the me without anxiety is turning out to be a much better of the person I already am. I can't change the things I have gone through or how my brain has been wired and damaged. Who knew my brain was damaged, in the first place?

Before starting the treatments I was very skeptical that Neurofeedback Therapy would change my life, I would have laughed at you. I have tried everything. Medicine, talk therapy, spiritual cleansing, religion, and sucking it up and acting like everything was fine. Nothing worked.

I have always been naturally talented and intelligent enough to get me through life with little effort on my part. I have achieved a lot and never tried, seriously. I would sleep through classes, not have to study, able to stick with girls on the basketball court that had the opportunity to got camps, able to learn to work with databases after spending 6 years studying Sociology and such. Now, I'm finding out that my brain hasn't even been working properly during all of this. 

What type of person will I be after the 40 sessions?

I already feel more clear headed, able to function better cognitively (work is becoming easier), my anger is under control, my relationship with my wife is so much better, same with my mom. Neurofeedback therapy is really interesting. How it works and what it does. It literally rewires your brain. That's wild to me. ...and all I have to do is watch TV.

Session 7 and 8

Session 7 and 8 were much the same. Dimming a decreasing volume, but it didn't bother me as much as previous visits. I was able to focus on the show (Moesha again). I have noticed the ability to focus a little more. 

The biggest change so far is my temper. I'm able to control my anger more and more. I'm not snapping at people as much. I'm able to take 10 seconds, as Lucinda suggests in From Panic to Power, to calm myself. Its weird for me because I have never been an angry person. I have always had a bad temper but I tried very hard not to let it take over. Lately, the wasn't the case. I haven't always been nice or remained calm during situations. My wife noticed the beginning of a change in my behavior, though she may never admit she acknowledged this particular change. 

I feel more calm and have been making more of an effort to calm my mind and my spirit. I refuse to let certain situations and people take me out of my normal calm, easy going character. Watching motivational videos and reading different perspectives on this thing called life is really being absorbed this time around. 

I took a short video of what happens on the screen during my sessions. The effect isn't as dramatic but you get the point. I asked the nurse lady that hooks me up to the wires what the objective was? Is the screen suppose to remain clearer for longer? She didn't know lol.... 6 more Saturdays and I talk to Dr. Carlton again...I can ask then. 

Sessions 5 and 6

Sessions 5 and 6 were much like 3 and 4. The tv dimmed a lot, for seemingly long periods...think seconds. I think the combo of the training and the motivational videos is helping. I have a more positive outlook on life. I dont dread or constantly obsess about work. I have been more introspective and have been having, what Oprah calls "Ah Ha" moments.

With a clearer head my thoughts aren't so negative. I'm beginning to be able to make decisions. I refuse to let things stress me to the point that I get sick. I'm even handling the stress from work better. It's like I'm developing an attitude of guarding my bliss. 

Bliss is one topic covered in Finding Joe. It's basically your happy place filled with positivity.

Finding Joe

The tv still dimmed a lot. I watched more of Finding Joe during session 5. For session 6, however, they didnt have that movie in the room I was in so I picked something from Netflix. I picked Moesha lol. I forgot how funny that show was. I laughed the whole episode. I noticed the tv and sound did their thing but I wasn't as focused on them.

I finally had the motivation to do some research on what I'm doing to myself...

Some of the interesting things I have learned are...

"Neurofeedback is based on the premise that patients, guided by providers, can retrain their brains to operate more effectively by changing the pattern of the brain’s electrical activity, otherwise known as brain waves. It is brain waves that determine our state of consciousness, arousal and ability to control our bodies and our minds. If they are being produced at an optimum level, then our ability to think, feel and function well is assured. But if these waves are too fast, too slow or not produced appropriately in particular sections of the brain, neurofeedback can be used to retrain the brain to address these issues."

"Neurofeedback uses electroencephalogram (EEG) to measure and optimise your brain activity"

"During the session, you will watch a movie on a computer monitor or engage in a computer game. Every time the selected brain regions exhibit EEG anomalies, the movie/game will stop." In this case I'm watching videos that dim and the volume lowers instead of stopping.

"However, the brain very quickly and gradually will learn to change its electrical activity in order to reduce the interruptions in movie/game reproduction and obtain a smoother perceptual experience.
In other words, session after session, by learning how to make the movie/game play more and more smoothly, your brain can learn to recruit new resources, eventually cancelling specific functional anomalies and ultimately reducing the associated behavioural disturbances."

So, yeah...now I understand. I have to understand something or I cant stop focusing on it. Maybe now I can just let my brain fix itself with out me trying to control something I can't mentally control. 

Visit 3 and 4

Sessions 3 and 4 were this week. I was actually looking forward to Saturday and more sessions. I know each Saturday is that much closer to some sort of resolution. 

I finished The Secret during the first 3  sessions. 

During the 3rd session I noticed that the screen and volume would stay down for longer periods of time than before. Not sure if that is because I was preoccupied mentally or if that was suppose to happen. I do this thing where I kinda space out, deep in thought of nothingness. I kept catching myself doing that. 

The 2nd session I picked another motivational movie called Finding Joe. I have noticed that I'm actually implementing the ideas of The Secret and this new movie. Normally, I would watch and be motivated then time goes by and nothing happens. I dont try to change anything. This week, I noticed my thoughts changing to more positive thoughts. I have been a bit calmer. I haven't been on social media as much. I'm not sleeping all the time. It's small changes...but small changes become big changes. 

Again, for Finding Joe, the screen stayed dim and the volume low for several seconds constantly. I dont know why. I do know I had a headache after both sessions and was ready for a nap. Overall, sessions 3 and 4 weren't much different than sessions 1 and 2. I'm sure the next 36 sessions will be all over the map but hopefully heading in the right direction. 

Sessions 1 and 2

Today I had my first 2 sessions of 40. I do 2 a day on Saturday's due to my work schedule. I have to admit I feel pretty good. Kinda tired. Kinda fascinated. I started noticing little things my brain does...some good, most bad...after the brain map session. When someone tells you that you unconsciously do something most people would try to notice when those things happen....or maybe that's just me.

 

So, the sessions... Dr. Carlton had suggested I watch motivational or educational videos for the 30 minute sessions. He said that's what he had done..."why not get an added benefit, your already sitting there." He picked out the first video for me to watch. He picked the Secret. I have seen it before and read the book and liked it so I went with it. The nurse explained how things work....they put sensors on your earlobes and above your ears. She said all I had to do was watch tv, while wearing headphones. That's it. While I'm watching the video, she said the screen will become lighter and darker and the volume will go up and down...all depending on what my brain is doing. 

At first, it was like one of those ghost movies where the lights flicker off and on constantly.  That's exactly what happened. The tv went crazy. The longer I watched the more I could feel my thoughts drifting from the Secret and onto so many things. The change in the brightness or sound would bring it back to normal. At least that's my guess as to what was happening. Even thinking about the concepts being talked about on the screen made the screen change. Usually u would try to control what or how long I think about, but I just watched the tv. 

Then I had to wait an hour before doing my second session. We picked up where the video had stopped and I noticed longer periods of a dim screen or low volume before I was pulled back. I dont know what that means, but that's what happened. 

The best part was I felt calmer. Not so on edge. I felt better...after 2 sessions. I know the results may not be as rapid as I would like, but I'll take any moments of peace I get. 

I was put to a big test later that day...the mall. Dunn Dunn dunnnnnnnnn!!!!! Usually as soon as my wife and I walk in my anxiety tells me to leave and that I'm going to be sick. Today though...I made it through Victoria's Secret, Forever 21, and H&M with no thought of my anxiety. I mentioned it my wife and she said she noticed it too but didnt want to say anything to draw my attention to any anxiety. I was fine until we ordered food. I have this thing about food and eating. I have become unable to eat at a restaurant without feeling sick for years. I'll take the victory of the mall for now